what if

what if i wrote a book called I’M STARVING?

well, it wouldn’t be a best-seller - i’ll tell you that much. probably because the book wouldn’t be more than 5 or so pages. it would just say “i’m still starving” on every page.

is something wrong with me?

i’m starving.

what if i actually told the crazies on the red line to shut up?

happy summer everyone! it’s 87 degrees and sunny in chicago today (it’s about damn time). but we all know what warm weather means: it means the crazies are out. they’re out and they’re in full force.

i just spent a wonderful brunch with friends downtown, and took the redline up to my north-side apartment this afternoon. i got a seat by the window and left the isle seat open for another traveler. lucky for me, it happened to be an 18 year old who sang 30 second blurbs of each usher, r.kelly and ‘REEE-MIX’ song i’ve ever heard. yes, he’d actually say ‘REEE-MIX!’ announcing the 30 second remixed version of ‘love in this club.’

just when i thought that was annoying enough, an older man came in to tell the entire train car the story of his redemption and how we could all be just like him if we chose the same path. uh…apparently he didn’t get the memo that the rapture was yesterday and none of it matters anymore. we were clearly all heathens because we’re clearly all still here. thus, he was wasting his and our time AND he didn’t do as good of a job at  the ‘ole redemption exercise as he originally thought.

juust when i thought 2 crazies were enough. the third one was shoving candy bars in everyones face, with no non-profit speech needed. just candy bars. to eat. aaand, david. be nice - he’s not a crazy. he’s just trying to make a living. so let’s just say he’s annoying. and with the addition of the two crazies, i could NOT be bothered. obviously.

so now the scenario: what if i actually told them to shut up? i think ‘love in this club REEE-MIXX’ would have probably just kept singing. oh - he also was rapping lots of slurs anyway - so i don’t want to rile him up anymore. even though one of them did include the ‘f’ word about ‘my people,’ i wasn’t about to be the angry-gay.

and what if i told preacher-man to shut up before letting him know the rapture had happened and we were all screwed anyway? would have had tried to put his hand on my forehead and make me faint, foam at the mouth and speak tongues? i mean, MAYbe.

i wouldn’t have told candy-bar to shut up - i think i would’ve just said ‘sorry, dude.’ so he doesn’t really count. i’m always on the fence, though. and if i did scream ‘SHUT UP!’ i’d either be a saint and ring-leader for all of us non-crazies and receive cheers and high-fives…ooor i’d just be putting myself in the same crazy category.

so i stay quiet. like everyone else. i stare out the window counting down the stops until i reach my destination. and as i do it, i hope none of the crazies single me out, because then they might recruit me in their crazy-circle and make me blurt out a ‘shut up!’ that i don’t really want to say…complete with the after-scream deep-breathing and wide-eyes a crazy person would have. you know, the ‘yeahh…NOW what?’ look.

AND - at the end of the day - i will say, i still choose warm days and crazies over cold days and non-crazies. 

what if i wrote what i really wanted to write on my college crush’s facebook wall on his birthday?

it’s the day everyone waits for: the birthday of the crush you have (or, in my case, HAVE HAD) who you don’t really know. but you know what that means: “i can post on his wall!”

well, today’s that day. i logged onto facebook and was slapped in the face with the announcement that it’s his birthday. i go to his wall and see all of the other girls (read: hos) who have the same idea. luckily for me, they’ve all written “happy birthday.” (and sometimes it includes a (comma) (name) afterwards). zzZZZzzzZZZzzz….

so here are my options for MY wall post. what if i wrote:

1. “happy birthday. i love you.” it’s clean. it’s simple. it’s basically exactly what i want to say.
2. “remember that one time you came in my dorm room with nothing but a towel on and i almost died? let’s do that again. no? happy birthday! i love you.” everyone loves to remember the ‘good times’ on a birthday, right? maybe he’ll like this.
3. “today’s your birthday. that also means it’s the day where all the girls and gays parade themselves on your wall in hopes that you may love them someday. PICK ME! i love you.” calling a spade a spade. he knows it. the other girls know it. do you know how many of those hos would ‘like’ that shit? everyone. and then he’d really know that no one really gave a poop about his birthday - just wanted to remind him they were there…and they were waiting.

but after this nonsense, let’s get real - i probably won’t post anything at all.

oh. also, he’s straight.

oh. and also, i haven’t seen him since i ran into him on the street 2 summers ago. it was like 99 degrees and i was sweating and probably out of breath. i was alone and he was with his girlfriend.

what if the disney princesses went to high school?

okay. so what if all the disney princesses went to high school? here’s what i think:

jasmine would be a slut. i mean, duh. look at her - with that cut-off top showing her midriff. she’d definitely be queen slut. and she’d make pocahontas be her best friend. she knows poco’s hotter than her, but it’s the whole ‘keep your enemies close’ type deal. and poco wouldn’t know better. gretchen-wieners-style.

snow white wouldn’t really have any friends. she’d be too dumb. and no one would like her, because her voice is too damn high. yeah…she’d just sit there texting her dwarves or something. 

and then there’s mulan. oh mulan… you’re a lesbian and we all know it. i mean, you’re not even really trying to hide it. donny osmand was singing “make a man out of you,” and you didn’t mind one bit. did you? it’s fine. we still like you. wanna watch the bulls game later?

sleeping beauty? lesbian too, i think. lipstick. plays softball and soccer. friends with mulan…just not ready to come out yet. she’ll get there in college. don’t worry.

cinderella: miss congeniality. i mean, everyone likes her and she’s really nice. but you know what that means? she’s boring. yeah, total snooze.

tiana, belle, ariel and rapunzel would be the main ‘group.’ they’re the pretty ones that have a little bit of spunk, but are still nice (besides talking behind peoples’ backs). they’re on the cheerleading squad and have the awesome slumber parties where they eat pizza, talk about boys and TP their boyfriend’s castles.

what if i were to start a blog?

hi. i’m david. what if i were to start a blog? and THEN, what if it became so awesome and popular that i could start selling ad space on it? then i’d be able to just become a blogger who makes a living of writing my thoughts, and i’d have much more time to be what i really want to be: a professional errand-runner and a ‘lady who lunches.’ and THEN, my friends, i’d win. at life.

so, here we go-o! (princess peach? mario cart? anyone?)